Sunday, 12 April 2015

Emotionally Unavailable

I was emotionally unavailable.
He was a friend to me, but I was something more to him.
He wanted me, I just couldn't accept us.
He held onto me and I pushed him away everytime.
He was there for me but I thought I was strong enough to handle everything alone.
He tried to climb up my walls but I built them higher and higher everyday.
He became emotionally unavailable.

Maybe it was your white innocence, your blind optimism, your blunt honesty or your crown of hope that made me drawn to you, I never really understood the reasons why, and now its too late to fathom them. I always envied you how you were friends with everyone and it was so difficult for me to make the small talk, but somehow, you always did your best to eradicate our awkwardness. Your compliments on my worse hair day never made me feel beautiful, your silly jokes never made me laugh and sorry that I never understood that glance in your eye when everyone told me  I looked beautiful in my yellow dress. And then eventually I was left stranded in the deep without you because I never realized when I cut off your rope of friendship. That day on my birthday when you couldn't afford a gift so you brought a little white daisy plucked from your grandmother's garden and I just used it as a bookmark for that dusty book I never liked. The white daisy, how it captured your beauty and I never could appreciate it's essense. Your white daisy.

Now the withered daisy petals falling from that old book's yellow pages fills me with remorse. Maybe they died when you left. Maybe it was you who had to make the calls.Maybe it was me who pushed you so hard that you never came back.

I hope you find a friend.
I hope she accepts you.
I hope she doesn't pull away when you hold her hand in public.
I hope she feels strong with you.
And I hope you never had to climb up her walls.
I hope she doesn't have any walls.
I  hope she's emotionally available.

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