I was emotionally unavailable.
He was a friend to me, but I was something more to him.
He wanted me, I just couldn't accept us.
He held onto me and I pushed him away everytime.
He was there for me but I thought I was strong enough to handle everything alone.
He tried to climb up my walls but I built them higher and higher everyday.
He became emotionally unavailable.
Maybe it was your white innocence, your blind optimism, your blunt honesty or your crown of hope that made me drawn to you, I never really understood the reasons why, and now its too late to fathom them. I always envied you how you were friends with everyone and it was so difficult for me to make the small talk, but somehow, you always did your best to eradicate our awkwardness. Your compliments on my worse hair day never made me feel beautiful, your silly jokes never made me laugh and sorry that I never understood that glance in your eye when everyone told me I looked beautiful in my yellow dress. And then eventually I was left stranded in the deep without you because I never realized when I cut off your rope of friendship. That day on my birthday when you couldn't afford a gift so you brought a little white daisy plucked from your grandmother's garden and I just used it as a bookmark for that dusty book I never liked. The white daisy, how it captured your beauty and I never could appreciate it's essense. Your white daisy.
Now the withered daisy petals falling from that old book's yellow pages fills me with remorse. Maybe they died when you left. Maybe it was you who had to make the calls.Maybe it was me who pushed you so hard that you never came back.
I hope you find a friend.
I hope she accepts you.
I hope she doesn't pull away when you hold her hand in public.
I hope she feels strong with you.
And I hope you never had to climb up her walls.
I hope she doesn't have any walls.
I hope she's emotionally available.
Sorry Ashi and everyone, that it took me a lot to write this, but here it is.
A few months ago I submitted an article to my school magazine editor called the 'The Prosody of Little Things' It's about how we fail to notice the little things around us, and when your school magazine editor asks you to submit an article, out of the blue, you just turn the essensce of those feelings in to words.
Hence, here I wan't to submit another article to my editor, It's not about the little things that we fail to notice, but the much bigger things that we fail to appreciate.
One of the other big things, is my friend Ashima Khanna. Why she is a big thing? I'll tell you why.
Ever heard about those people, who doesn't need to climb up a ladder to stand up away from the crowd, who doesn't need to take take a diffrent route yet still make the route diffrent. Well she's a four leaved clover in a grass feild.
We are very diffrent personalities, apart from music choice, if you exclude her loathe for taylor swift, we have nothing in common. She is a very strong girl, just say whatever she wants, discusses sexuality openly and some people adore her for this boldness. She has problems in the boyzone and maths, but well I can't blame her for this.
She is our magazine editor, hence the written ode to her. I can't say anything else because frankly if I start I would never stop.
I just hope I would always be friends with this alpha female, homie, kurt cobain lover, a potential philosophy major student, my journalist, cosmetic chemist, chemistry hater, and yeah just Ashima :)
I love music, I love writing and then this song just popped up out of nowhere. I'm not much of a poet, but I like music so it's a song I wrote myself, chord progression is something like this
Capo 3rd fret
Am, C, G, D ( I just did it with the plucking)
Lyrics are something like this-
We were young but frankly quite old,
We were counting the days to show,
It was writen on our stupid doors
That stayed locked up all along
And this song is reach you out
That came with the loudest shout
Can you make the distance a little less?
Can you put it all into rest?
You were like the moonlight that would come
When the darkest nights are on the run
You said you'll take me away
To cross the meadows that we shared
But baby now its all covered in weeds
And you yourself cannot pull me out free
Can you make the distance a little less?
Can you put it all into rest?
Guitar break....
Maybe they were all our stupid doors
That stayed locked up all along
And this song is to reach you out
But you have silenced all my shouts
Can you make the distance a little less?
Can you put it all into rest?
And I'm still counting the days to show
And you were right, you made me all wrong.
Can you make the distance a little less?
Can you put it all into rest?
Iam a huge Swiftie, so I downloaded Taylor's new album 1989 and thought of ranking the songs.
In an interview Taylor stated that Red has been all exprimental and it was about which tunes to include in the next album. Well, considering 1989 it is a huge transition from country to pop. She has gone from innocent hopless girl in love from Speak Now to the strong lady out there in 1989.
Here, are my rankings
13) I Wish You Would- too much synth pop, sometime her vocals seem to fade away with the music.
12) This Love- Appearantly its the only song Tay wrote herself on this album, but its too boring.
11) How To Get A Girl- Too much bubblegum pop for me.
10) Welcome to New York- Nashville girl meets the city lights. However the song doesn't seem to speak to me.
9)Clean- Comparitvly a better song with such poetic lyrics.
8)Out of The Woods- So I heard this song was about Harry Styles, either way I like it.
7)Bad Blood- A strong song with strong vocals, You don't wanna mess with Tay Tay.
6) I know places- this cool upbeat song reminds me so much of Divergent and Hunger Games or even Maze Runner.
5) Wildest Dreams- a dark and romantic song which certainly tells Taylor is not the Romeo Juliet girl anymore.
4)All you had to do was Stay- Okay I love this.
3) Shake it Off- One one of her best songs so far.
2) Blank Space- I love the quircky fun lyrics and tune, derserves the 2nd slot.
1)Style- Well this one is my favorite on her album, it's such cool funky upbeat song. ♡♡♡
I could see our drenched feet inside the thin water sheet. We've been sitting here for hours and I could still feel the slippery rock clay below my feet. Evidentally, the water didn't feel cold at all.
"Your nailpaint looks very odd" he said looking at my green nailpaint which could be clearly seen inside the crystal water.
"And what do you think is the best colour for a girl's nails?" I asked, perplexed.
"Maybe something like hot red" He smirked
Hot red? Red? No way, red is so for old ladies, I would never wear hot red.
"But I think this green kinda compliments your giant feet" he said leaving me bewildered to think whether it was a compliment or a mocking comment. I said nothing and we went back staring at the brown rocks inside the water, embracing the silence.
Time has fled by since then, and he went like the wind. The kind of wind which comes only once, to clear out the dark sky. The kind of wind which make people hope, it would come when the clouds are gray again.
I don't know where he went and maybe I don't want to know.
Coincidentally, today I'm wearing that same green nailpaint again, just a darker shade.
Okay so my friend Ashima came up with this game "My 12 Random Questions" and asked me to post this, well here you gName a dream of yours that you want to be true.
Dream? what dream are we talking about. Alright I wanna become an oncologist and have to most Dramatic love story.
2.which is the best James bond movie ?? ( and why)
-Die Another Day, Peirce Brosnan, need I say more?
3. Describe your lover ? ( physical appearance and personality both)
-Alright this one is my fave. He should be taller than me, nice hair, prefers harry potter, likes my black t-shirts and could joke with me and at at the same time be all sexy and romantic. Maybe the one who sweep me off my feet in one glance ;)
4. A song that a deep impact on you.
- Stop Crying your heart out by Oasis.
5. A book that you like so much that you force people to read it , and if they don't , you'll become Freddie( nightmare of elm street ) in order to do so.
-Kissing snowflakes by Abby Sher and The fault in our stars by John Green.
6. Name five youtubers that you love
Pewdiepie, Dan, Phil, Joey Graceffa, Marcus Butler
7. Your " heal me I'm love/ study sick" food
- Berry juice and chocolate cornflakes, anytime or rather any Sunday Morning breakfast my Mom makes.
8. Movies that you have seen more than five times.
All Harry Potter movies, Win a date with Tad Hamilton, A cinderella story, 27 Dresses.
9. Compare five Hollywood hottest movie actors ( male and female) and five worst actors.
Same for musicians too
Hot-
Brandon Routh and Christian Bale
Emma Watson
Ian Somerhalder
Leonardo Dicaprio
Emma Stone
Jesse Eisenberg
Not-
Kim Kardarshian( Although I love her game)
Demi Lovato
Miley Cyrus
Nicki Minaj
Iggy Azela
10. Name five things that you hate and love the most in your friend/ homie .... ( it could be anyone...so feel free)
- I love everything about everybody, so I never had to make up any 'hate qualities' list
11. Five ships ( couples) from shows and books that you want should be together in real life
- Draco and Hermione
Sherlock and John
Damon and Elena
Ash and Misty
Augustus and Hazel :'(
12. Love or lust ?Which one is better in your opinion
Love is itself is boring so Love with a tinch of lust.
Happy? Stay there i have my 12 random questions coming up.
PS you can follow my friend on www.alexcanwrite.blogspot.com
Hi amigos! Apologies for not being an active blogger, well I am not Jenna Hamilton you see.
But it's quite ironical that I'm updating my blog right now and I have my Biology midterms tomorrow. Why always leuisure becomes "pleasure" when you have to study? xD
I'm sorry that I cannot reply to all the comments and the nominations which has been going. I will though, after a week or so. I swear on my Divergent books okay?
Till then wish me luck, Tangled people. ;)
And yeah, please please follow me on G+ please! i'll follow you back.
Laters. ;) (I hope you got the refrence, no? alright)
I week ago we had a discussion on success, what does succes means to you? It seemed quite vague and I got some pretty weird answers. Someone said "Money", "Becoming a doctor", "Satisfaction", "Proving someone wrong". However when it came to me I was blank, I didn't know the meaning of success.
Hence, I did some research on success and this what I can across. Literally, success is defined as-
"noun"E
* 1.the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.
2)the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.
Yet I still wasn't sure of the meaning.
I did some more research and eventually found that, the answer was in front of me.
A smile. A smile because of me.
Making people smile, thats what I want to do in my life.Becoming the reason behind that smile. Hearing a genuine "thank you", knowing that I left some impression in someone's life. This all might seem cliche to you, but trust me it's not.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend from old school. She said she missed, however I replied its stupid to miss people now, its done, gone, memories needs to be cherished and all that crap.( She copied my words as her status, woah!). But to my surprise she told me this, "Sammy just because you're gone doesn't mean that I can't miss you, you said never to be bothered by anyone and believe in myself, well I do now! Thank you because of you I can finally think myself as "something"."
But in the end it was me who was smiling. I was glad I did something for which someone "remembers me".
This is what I want to do now. I dont have any proffessional goals yet but I want to get into med school, because that will make my parents smile. I want to do something for them.
I want to do something and in return people's smiles will be my token of content.
Thats success for me.
Often I question myself, am I doing this right? I am good enough or not? You know my worst fear...Not living up to the expectations. Being a disssapointment.
We don't know what is there in our cards only thing we can do is trust the instinct and move one. But I wonder, what will happen when you turn out to be "not good enough for this world". Will your people still accept you?
The thing is I'm scared. I'm scared of being the next the dissapointment.
I regret some decisions in my life, and regret is not something to live by. I wish I could be more expressive. To tell someone 'I love you', 'I miss you', 'I'm here for you,always'. Yet I never told them to anyone. And thats the thing I regret. These unspoken words, untouched feelings burried deep down with regret. I want say so much to everybody yet I cant, because i'm a walking peice of irony.
I'm like that girl who can never console you during an ugly time but can always give you a shoulder to cry on. I'm here for you, ALWAYS even if you don't care..I want people to understand me, because I can talk 24 hours about random stuff but I can never tell you a bit my emotions. I can never work with my emotions, neither I can express them.
I want to be good enough for everybody, do something that'll make my parents proud, my friends smile and make myself content.
I wonder what I'm doing is right, is this enough.
So many unawnsered questions.
Well I should be in bed right now because I'm damn tired but since I have'nt updated my blog in a while, so thought I'll update this peice of shit.
Okay for past few day something's been going in my mind and I'd like to write about it.
A few days ago I was stalking my crush's ex- girlfriend's profile, accept it everybody does that. And I thought to myself , why I'm not like her? I mean at some point you do realize what you can be and what can't be.
She is like the opposite pole of myself. She's got great legs, sexy pout and definatly way cooler dresses than me. I on the other hand, don't really own any dresses! I don't own a single pair of heels ( and my mom is threatning me to throw my red sneaks.)
Indeed, that moment you realize you cannot carry the same dress because your waist is definatly not 24. Maybe thats why guys don't make a move at me, because they know I'm not like her. I like to read rather than gossip, wear black tees over floral tops, chatter loudly instead of doing a sexy pout and being obssesed with Black Veil Brides and Avenged Sevenfold rather than Justin Beiber and One Direction (oh by the way, I hate 1D, there I said it!)
Guys, don't like girls like me because they know "I'm not like her". I can never be like her.
News flash: Guys like dumb shallow girls, they prefer plastic over epithelial cells.
In the meantime I'm okay with being a Tangled Girl.
You must be aware about my unhealthy obsesssion with Harry Potter. But Harry Potter is more than that. Iam not only crazy about Hermione Granger but I am also nuts over the girl who plays her.
Emma Watson epitomize perfection. And these quotes justifies it. She is indeed my #1 girl crush. I mean c'mon look at her, she is hot and she can act. If these quotes are true then she should be every young girl's role model.
You go Emma Watson!
By now I've tried to write 3 diffrent posts, but all went to the draft box, I don't even know if this going to make it to the Blog.
So here Iam amigos and I have nothing new with me, my neurons are so numb right now.
So if I have to write about something then why not write about what I am doing write now? PROCRASTINATING. Well I am not really procrasting because typing but yeah, I am definatly procrasting about other things. Like, I should be studying quantum mechanics right now but what the fuck! I still a week of summer vacations...I guess?
Also, I should've written this post a long time ago...but who cares, nobody even reads this.
Procrastination, my uttermost guilty pleasure, it's the only thing I can do perfectly in my life. Procrastination keeps me alive, there I said it!
So don't give a fuck to anything, just sit back and relax. Got tonnes of work? Darling Die Another Day but remember Tomorrow never dies ( Yep that was a James Bond refrence).
Got like a millions of problems? Raise your finger salute and say "fuck you". Life will still go on, problems will still remain so why solve them today huh? Trust me, check oxford problem is a synonym of Life. ( Forgive me for being too pessismist)
Please comment, I know who is viewing my blog and I wan't to interact with you people.
Yeah by the way thanks for all the pageviews, it has crossed 1000 now yay! New milestone reached. Fuck you!
Post prompts- Boredom and procrastination
So yesterday I turned on a random radio channel and no one cannot guess what song I heard? "Come Clean"by Hillary Duff. OMG! It was just so overwhelming, I mean hearing Lizzie Mcguire again after so many, I drowned in my nostalgic waves. Then I went on youtube and listened every childhood song I could remember you know Jojo, michelle branch, Ashley Tisdale. So if disney, nickelodean were your first fandom or even if you're just a chick flick lover like me, I reckon you must check out this playlist. Trust me you'll be brimming with nostalgia.
Get your feels up girls or guys?
Well so this is my playlist.
1. Liz Phair- Why can't I
2. Michelle Branch- Everywhere
3. Michelle Branch- Are you happy now
4. Myra- Miracles Happen ( this is a new addition but belongs to the same genre)
5. Jojo- Leave (get out)
6. Jojo- Little too late
7. Aly and Aj- Rush (remember twiches?)
8. Aly and Aj - Walking on Sunshine ( remember herbie?)
9. Mandy Moore - We're Dancing
10. Jonas bothers, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato- Send it on
11. Vanessa Hudgens-Say OK
12. Selena Gomez - Tell me Something I don't know
13. Shontelle- Impossible
14. Christina Aguilera- Genie in a bottle
15. Brittany Spears - Stronger
16. Brittany Spears - Not a girl, not yet a woman ( PS these both songs are featured in movie "Crossroads", starring Brittany Spears herself. Its a very cute movie about growing up, love and friendship, you should watch it sometime.)
17. Vanessa Carlton - Thousand Miles
18. P!nk- If god is a DJ
19. Rihanna - Take a bow
20. Destiny child- independent woman
Little familier? I memorized almost every song mentioned here. Indeed my music prefrences changed over time and these songs just became mere memories. I don't remember if still have my lyric notebook with me or Hannah Montana music CDs, but as I mentioned before Iam drowning in nostagia feels.
I don't turn red when someone asks what were my favorite childhood songs, because your childhood needs to cherished and not be something to be ashamed of.
Alright, I agree Miley Cyrus has turned into an uber bitch now, but I cannot ignore Hannah Montana and everything.
Don't like contemprory pop? Then don up your headphones and listen to your favorite childhood songs , no matter if its pop, metal or rock. Just remember no one can influence you or your thoughts, you are one peice of art and only you can change your colours.
If you have some childhood stories or you want to add something to this playlist, just comment below.
Please review.
Hey everybody! Sorry I haven't been active lately because of studies and stuff but here Iam yay!
Today Iam going to talk about insomnia perks! So all those insomniacs out there this one is for you.
Insomnia, according to science is a phsycological disease which arises due to your lack of sleep. Studies have revealed that if you're not getting sufficient sleep, your brain cells tends to grow weaker. But guess what sick people? My brain is fuctioning fine and Iam probably getting my trignometry answers right! (probably)
Alright enough of this science talk, I'll tell you what I do when I can't sleep and this is coming from a 3 year old insomniac. Here it is.
I usually study after 11 and procrastrinate at the same time. Fuck! See what I did there?
Night time is the best time to write. I've written almost 5 harry potter fanfictions by now but all have only one chapter. Yeah Iam trying to work on that.
Music? Music always help when you can't sleep, but what happens when your playlist ia filled with heavy metal and hard rock songs? You headbang till you wake your annoying sister. Headbanging? Maybe that can work.
But when everything fails eventually, you lay there on your bed and wonder about all the stupid mistakes you've ever made and compare reality possibilities. Trust me, it's every teenager's favorite thing to do at night."like I shoud've punched that girl instead of making a fool out of myself" or "I shoud've confessed everything to him instead of standing there like a dumb moron". There is huge gap between expectation and reality. See this is what happens when you do something wrong, the regrets haunt you at night and eventually bid farewell to your sleep.
So after writing 500 words maybe, I realized there are no perks of being an insomaniac.The only perk you have his, you can chat all night with your guy. Yeah
In conclusion Insomnia is natural if but you still want brag about being an insomaniac teenager, I reckon try caffeine, yep it works everytime, or if you want to get rid of your insomania, seek phsycological help. I would have done that years ago but lazy ass always takes the charge.
PS this post was created out of utter boredom.
That feeling you get when a watch a superb chick flick, believing that everything is beautiful, believing that there is a prince charming for you out there. Well that is they are called fairytales, they are for fairies and fairies are not real.
Fairytales, chick flicks destroy your feels and extract your reality. But there is nothing wrong in believing in a doctrine where everything is better. It works everytime. Like even though Augustus died, Hazel got her happy ending, she got the love she could cherish forever. See what I mean?
I don't mind believing in happy endings once in a while. If hope is all I need then why not get it from diffrent means. Someone once said that no one is ever to old to believe in fairytales because if it's not happy then it is not the end.
So why not give happy endings a chance huh? Why not just walk down the untaken road and hope that there will be a pot of gold waiting for you. Lets chances, lets enjoy the journey, lets live the life to the fullest and lets prove to this world that everyone can get a happy ending. And worry not, everyone has their fairy godmother and she will always be there to help you.
PS article inspired by a song Miracles Happen by Myra
LOL have been suffering from a writer's block lately.
PPS and yeah if you think I make hypocrite remarks then just remember I am a teenager, we often suffer from mood swings.
In my introduction, I've written that I like fantasy more than reality. Well, that's true. I don't like this reality so I would trade anything for a fantasy life. Fantasy gives you hope. It's not like our life. Society won't judge you there and even if you do something wrong, redemption will be accepted there. Redemption in our world doesn't work. You cannot undo the done, society will percieve you yhe way they want to. Pencil impressions stays on the paper even after you erase it. People are materialistic and shrewed because meliorism requires effort .Trust me I've been there and thus i've lost all my hope. All these cynical people cancel out my optimism. Alas! I've no optimism left now.
No one undersands me, no one gets me and yet here Iam whining about it on my blog. What an irony!
So here Iam giving hope one more chance, hoping that whoever is reading this would get me.
And yeah, I still want to trade my life for a fantasy land where everything and everyone is perfect. But as Hannah Montana says nobody is perfect...so Sammy why should you get a perfect life? This world depends on hope right? :)
Dear hope, "I hope" you find me. Xx
When we were kids, we never knew who is going to be our best and who is going to be our arch enemy. When we reached our pre teen, we started categorizing people as friends, close friends, best friends. But you are sixteen, we have one best friend, few close friends some people we hate.
Well I'm sixteen and defying the laws of high school stereotype. I'm sixteen, I have no best friend, no close friend, no boyfriend, no enemies. I never really believed in the word "friend". Friendship always seemed a vague topic to me. Is necessary for a sixteen year old girl to have friends? Because i'm doing fine without them.
Am I a loner? No, I still manage to quench my social thirst with a few drops. Fack! I think I'm just blabbering.
Alright the thing I'm not able to open myself in front of people. Feel like there is still one girl hiding who wants take off hee veil and get out but world is not giving chance to her. Iam more than this. I wish there was a person who knew the real me, a person with whom I would't be afraid to be myself. I guess it all needs time, I guess want to be more than this and maybe I'll be.
Hey everybody, I'm a big Potterhead AKA someone who's obssesed with Harry Potter, so I thought I'll give you some fanfiction recs.
I've been reading Dramione (Draco/Hermione) fanfics for over a year and it's my #1 OTP (one true pairing)
Generally I read post-hogwarts era or AU because I like redeemed Draco more. I like fluff and little bit smut. Dark angsty fics are not on my favorite list but appreciate good writing.
I've organized them website wise to make it easy for y'all.
Here are my favs-
ONE SHOT
Fanfiction.net
Little fragile toys- Bex-chan
Silhouettes- Bex-chan
Graveyard valentine- Bex chan
Fourth time's a charm- hocruxnumber8 ( read it like more 20 times)
How we imagined light- hocruxnumber8 ( you can search her as atlanta84 on Hawthrone and Vine)
Missed Connections -Unseenlibrarian
Viva la Vegas - RZZMG
An affair to remember - RZZMG
Reunions - RZZMG
Japanese Blossoms -inadaze22
Water and Dirt - luckei1
Meus Contraho- CurosityKills ( well this a collection of around 40 one-shots. Always fun to read)
Dramione.org ( Hawthrone and Vine)
One Wild Night- Akashathekitty
The Grotto - bunney
Black Magic Sacrifice- xfsista
Introduce people with a thoughtful detail- Captainraychil
Multi- chaptered fics- ( all can be found on fanfiction.net )
Simply irresistible- bookworm1993
A wonderful Caricature of Intimacy- Countess of Abe
Once upon a thyme - zensho
Promise me Love- JodieLove
She's just not that into you- BelleOfSummer ( okay Hermione is little bitchy here but Draco is uber sexy)
When love and hate collide- RZZMG
Dancing in Charade of Greeks- RZZMG
Bus Stop - Marmlade Fever
Isolation - Bex-chan
My favorite Dramione writers-
Bex- chan
RZZMG
atlanta84
( they are pretty popular you can google them)
Phew! don't ask me how I compiled this.
Please comment your favorite fics and we can discuss dramione and fangirl over Draco.
[ Img credits- src- fanpop.com artist - Praesse ]
